One of the nice things about Hong Kong is there are no allergens in the air that bother any of us. We have never been able to keep windows open in our house because Dave and the kids all suffer from seasonal allergies. We're able to keep the windows open here. This is nice from about November through now. Soon we will have to close everything up and turn the air conditioner, or air con as they call it here, back on. I enjoy having the windows open while I can. However, it does have it's disadvantages.
Dave and I are always talking about the fancy cars here, Maseratis, Lamborghinis, Ferraris, Porsches, etc. The people who drive them speed like crazy whenever they can. There doesn't seem to be any place to really drive them the way they are meant to be driven. Just the other day Dave was telling me that someone at work told him there are frequent drag races late at night on the road to Shek-O. That night/early morning we woke-up to a drag race on the main road outside our complex. We could hear it like they were in the room with us. The strange thing is, that road is narrow and full of curves. A horrible place to speed. Just the week before we saw a Lamborghini that slammed into one of the cement catch basins on the side of the mountain. We think he just took the curve too quickly with a car coming in the opposite direction. The cement catch basin was levelled and it took two hours for the tow trucks to get the car off of the road. Thankfully we didn't have anywhere to go in that two hours because no one was getting anywhere fast with only one lane open.
As you have seen from pictures, the South China Sea is right in front of our house. On a clear day we can see many freighters on the other side of Stanley. This morning I woke-up at 4:45 to the sound of fog horns from the ships. They went off every couple of minutes. Needless to say, there was no going back to sleep! When I finally got out of bed 30 minutes later I couldn't see 10 feet out the window. Good reason for the fog horns, but not good for sleep.
We frequently hear people talking outside at all hours of the night. There is one man who swims in the cove early every morning and makes a strange wake-up call before getting in the water. Dave plans to join him when it warms-up a bit more. I wonder if he will join in the wake-up call as well. I will let you know.
I know some of you reading this have lived in cities and know all too well about the noises that come in through windows at night. Most of the time I find it entertaining. However, I would prefer that all of the noises came before 4:00am so that I have time to go back to sleep:)
View
View from our house
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Sunday, March 2, 2014
The Helper, part two
I have written much about the helpers and my dislike of the mentality that often develops around having one. I must let you know that after finding no other options for our dogs in the summer when the kids and I return to the States we hired a helper two months ago. After sending the dogs on two occasions to the kennel and both times having Oso come home and throw-up for three consecutive nights before he could finally get rid of a rag he had swallowed I knew that wasn't an option for seven weeks. I tried to find a part-time helper that could live with the dogs in the summer, but that fell through. With Dave's convincing we decided this was the best option for the dogs.
Mary Ann has been with us almost two months now, and I still struggle with the concept everyday. She is very nice. She does all of the cleaning, she irons Dave's shirts, cooks when I am out of town and walks the dogs occasionally. I still do all of the laundry, cooking and take the dogs on several walks daily. It has been a struggle to get her to understand that I am still going to do these things and that she needs to let me do them and not try to take things out of my hands (literally). I have had to tell her on several occasions that this has been my job for many years and I still need to have something to do.
If I am being honest with myself, part of the struggle is a control issue on my part. I can't find any other explanation for the fact that it upset me so much when I came home to find her emptying all of mine and Dave's drawers, refolding the clothes and putting them back in the drawers in a different order. This was after I had already asked her once not to do this when I found her doing it in Grace and Meg's rooms.
I have only had someone clean my house on a handful of occasions throughout my life. Other than the ladies my friends hired to clean my house after Meg was born I was never satisfied with the job they did. I've always felt that I can do a better job and it wasn't worth the money. Mary Ann does a good job of keeping the floors clean and the dusting. She also kept the bathrooms and kitchen "wiped" down. I just had to talk to her about this though as she was using the same rag in every bathroom, every day for a week without washing it. She now uses Clorox wipes. She was also using the same rag in the kitchen all week long. It would never dry out. I would try to throw the kitchen rag in the wash at least every other day. However, after watching her wipe up chicken juice with it and then wiping the rest of the kitchen I couldn't take it any longer and asked to her please just use paper towels.
As I said, I still do the cooking. I find that without having to clean the house everyday I actually don't mind cooking. I have plenty of time for it. At first she insisted on staying in the kitchen with me. Every time I set down something she was picking it up to clean or put away, whether I was done with it or not. Also, the kitchen is tiny and I felt like she was constantly on top of me and looking over my shoulder. I understood that part of the looking over my shoulder was that she was trying to learn how I cooked, but it got to be too much. I now ask her to let me use the kitchen every time I cook and I have to ask her to stay out until we have all had a chance to make our plates. Now, my mother always taught me to clean up my own mess in the kitchen when I made something. I still try to do this, but she ends up cleaning whatever pan or pot is left when we are done scooping our meal. Even though I have told her that the kids are still to take care of their own dishes, she inevitably ends up taking them out of their hands most of the time. I was very proud of Meg the other night when she told Mary Ann, "No, I'll do it."
Initially, if I was carrying the water jug up or bringing the dogs water bowl to the sink to fill it she would try to take it out of my hands. She has gotten better about this. She still tries to walk behind and immediately pick things up that we set down. Just the other day I set a grocery bag next to my wallet while I ran up to grab something I'd left upstairs before walking to the store. When I came down 30 seconds later I couldn't find the grocery bag. She had put it away.
She asks everyday if she can make me lunch, everyday I say I am all set. She asks if I am going out. PJ and I have had to ask her to leave our rooms in the morning so that we can get dressed. All of this contributes to my struggle. All who know me know I am a very independent (I choose independent rather than stubborn) person. Therefore all of this contributes to my struggle.
I will say that it has helped with getting the kids to immediately put their clothes in the laundry basket. If they leave them on their bedroom floor she folds them like they are clean clothes. Then they have to figure out what is clean and what is dirty.
Dave doesn't struggle with the idea of the helper near as much as I do. Part of it is that he isn't home all day. Part of it is that he doesn't mind having someone bring him his coffee every morning or take care of his dishes.
I know that this is an adjustment for her as well. She has worked for two other families and I know the last family had her do everything.
I'm still looking for other options though. I just don't know that I can ever get used to it or that I want to get used to it.
Mary Ann has been with us almost two months now, and I still struggle with the concept everyday. She is very nice. She does all of the cleaning, she irons Dave's shirts, cooks when I am out of town and walks the dogs occasionally. I still do all of the laundry, cooking and take the dogs on several walks daily. It has been a struggle to get her to understand that I am still going to do these things and that she needs to let me do them and not try to take things out of my hands (literally). I have had to tell her on several occasions that this has been my job for many years and I still need to have something to do.
If I am being honest with myself, part of the struggle is a control issue on my part. I can't find any other explanation for the fact that it upset me so much when I came home to find her emptying all of mine and Dave's drawers, refolding the clothes and putting them back in the drawers in a different order. This was after I had already asked her once not to do this when I found her doing it in Grace and Meg's rooms.
I have only had someone clean my house on a handful of occasions throughout my life. Other than the ladies my friends hired to clean my house after Meg was born I was never satisfied with the job they did. I've always felt that I can do a better job and it wasn't worth the money. Mary Ann does a good job of keeping the floors clean and the dusting. She also kept the bathrooms and kitchen "wiped" down. I just had to talk to her about this though as she was using the same rag in every bathroom, every day for a week without washing it. She now uses Clorox wipes. She was also using the same rag in the kitchen all week long. It would never dry out. I would try to throw the kitchen rag in the wash at least every other day. However, after watching her wipe up chicken juice with it and then wiping the rest of the kitchen I couldn't take it any longer and asked to her please just use paper towels.
As I said, I still do the cooking. I find that without having to clean the house everyday I actually don't mind cooking. I have plenty of time for it. At first she insisted on staying in the kitchen with me. Every time I set down something she was picking it up to clean or put away, whether I was done with it or not. Also, the kitchen is tiny and I felt like she was constantly on top of me and looking over my shoulder. I understood that part of the looking over my shoulder was that she was trying to learn how I cooked, but it got to be too much. I now ask her to let me use the kitchen every time I cook and I have to ask her to stay out until we have all had a chance to make our plates. Now, my mother always taught me to clean up my own mess in the kitchen when I made something. I still try to do this, but she ends up cleaning whatever pan or pot is left when we are done scooping our meal. Even though I have told her that the kids are still to take care of their own dishes, she inevitably ends up taking them out of their hands most of the time. I was very proud of Meg the other night when she told Mary Ann, "No, I'll do it."
Initially, if I was carrying the water jug up or bringing the dogs water bowl to the sink to fill it she would try to take it out of my hands. She has gotten better about this. She still tries to walk behind and immediately pick things up that we set down. Just the other day I set a grocery bag next to my wallet while I ran up to grab something I'd left upstairs before walking to the store. When I came down 30 seconds later I couldn't find the grocery bag. She had put it away.
She asks everyday if she can make me lunch, everyday I say I am all set. She asks if I am going out. PJ and I have had to ask her to leave our rooms in the morning so that we can get dressed. All of this contributes to my struggle. All who know me know I am a very independent (I choose independent rather than stubborn) person. Therefore all of this contributes to my struggle.
I will say that it has helped with getting the kids to immediately put their clothes in the laundry basket. If they leave them on their bedroom floor she folds them like they are clean clothes. Then they have to figure out what is clean and what is dirty.
Dave doesn't struggle with the idea of the helper near as much as I do. Part of it is that he isn't home all day. Part of it is that he doesn't mind having someone bring him his coffee every morning or take care of his dishes.
I know that this is an adjustment for her as well. She has worked for two other families and I know the last family had her do everything.
I'm still looking for other options though. I just don't know that I can ever get used to it or that I want to get used to it.
The Asia Expat "Reality"
One thing I was not expecting when we moved here was the number of people who remain expats for very long periods of time. I came into this thinking that most people take an expat assignment for 2-3 years, like we intend to do, and then return to their home country. While this is true for some, this is not the case for many. Many of the expats in Hong Kong have been here for many years or else they have moved throughout Asia, but have not returned to their home country for many years. One couple we are friends with has lived in Asia longer than they lived in the U.S. with most of their years being here in Hong Kong. We have had four boys, all U.S. citizens, stay with us on home stays. Two boys came from Singapore and two from Shanghai. All four had spent almost all, if not all, of their lives in Asia.
After talking to many different people I understand why many people choose to remain expats. The expat life is so different from our lives in the States. First of all, most expats do not have to pay for their rent, or if they do, they only pay for a portion of it. Many don't pay for utilities, cars or car insurance. Again, if they do, it is only for a portion of it or their pay is increased to account for these costs. This gives them greater financial freedom. In many parts of Asia, expats have helpers and often times drivers. This means fewer responsibilities around the home. It also means parents have greater freedom to go out and do things without kids in tow.
Many people grow to love this and don't want to return to a life without these perks. I have especially seen this in families that come over with young children or families who came with no children and had their children while living here.
My kids have always been active in sports and various activities. I have always spent many hours driving kids here and there, watching practices and games, etc. My days have always been centered around the kids and their needs and taking care of everything on the home front. Our weekends have always been centered around kids' activities and family time. This was the life I chose and the life I enjoy. Expats get used to a very different life. Many don't shuttle the kids around, they send the helper to do so. They don't need to cook meals, clean or do laundry, except when they choose to do so. I have made it to almost all of the kids' games here. The only exceptions being when one of the other kids has had a conflict. Dave has made it to many of them. There are typically only a handful of other parents (always less than half of the team). This is quite unlike my experiences in the States. I asked a friend whose son was on the baseball and basketball teams with PJ and who attended all of the games with me why she thought this was the case. She has been here for four years and is returning to the States at the end of the school year. Her theory is that the expat parents get used to so much "me" time that they don't want to take the time to go to these games. Now some of the games are early and I know there are many cases where both parents are working, but that doesn't account for the evening or weekend games.
I have talked to several people who bring their helpers on vacation with them or back to the States with them in the summer so that they don't have to do everything on their own. I struggle tremendously with this mentality. I know one family that just moved back to the States at Christmas and brought their helper with them. I know of another family that is struggling with a job offer in the States because it would require leaving the helper. When you hear a child say, "Why can't their helper do it?" you realize that the "reality" in which these kids are being raised is so different from the norm. I am glad that we moved here with older kids so that they have a better understanding of the fact that this is not how most people live.
I do think that it is difficult to strike a balance of keeping your kids grounded and avoiding much of the "priviledged attitude" while keeping them in a place where they will still be comfortable. I hope that PJ, Grace and Meg come out of this experience not only understanding more about the Chinese culture and the many other cultures they encounter, but also understanding how different the expat culture is and how important it is to find a balance in life.
After talking to many different people I understand why many people choose to remain expats. The expat life is so different from our lives in the States. First of all, most expats do not have to pay for their rent, or if they do, they only pay for a portion of it. Many don't pay for utilities, cars or car insurance. Again, if they do, it is only for a portion of it or their pay is increased to account for these costs. This gives them greater financial freedom. In many parts of Asia, expats have helpers and often times drivers. This means fewer responsibilities around the home. It also means parents have greater freedom to go out and do things without kids in tow.
Many people grow to love this and don't want to return to a life without these perks. I have especially seen this in families that come over with young children or families who came with no children and had their children while living here.
My kids have always been active in sports and various activities. I have always spent many hours driving kids here and there, watching practices and games, etc. My days have always been centered around the kids and their needs and taking care of everything on the home front. Our weekends have always been centered around kids' activities and family time. This was the life I chose and the life I enjoy. Expats get used to a very different life. Many don't shuttle the kids around, they send the helper to do so. They don't need to cook meals, clean or do laundry, except when they choose to do so. I have made it to almost all of the kids' games here. The only exceptions being when one of the other kids has had a conflict. Dave has made it to many of them. There are typically only a handful of other parents (always less than half of the team). This is quite unlike my experiences in the States. I asked a friend whose son was on the baseball and basketball teams with PJ and who attended all of the games with me why she thought this was the case. She has been here for four years and is returning to the States at the end of the school year. Her theory is that the expat parents get used to so much "me" time that they don't want to take the time to go to these games. Now some of the games are early and I know there are many cases where both parents are working, but that doesn't account for the evening or weekend games.
I have talked to several people who bring their helpers on vacation with them or back to the States with them in the summer so that they don't have to do everything on their own. I struggle tremendously with this mentality. I know one family that just moved back to the States at Christmas and brought their helper with them. I know of another family that is struggling with a job offer in the States because it would require leaving the helper. When you hear a child say, "Why can't their helper do it?" you realize that the "reality" in which these kids are being raised is so different from the norm. I am glad that we moved here with older kids so that they have a better understanding of the fact that this is not how most people live.
I do think that it is difficult to strike a balance of keeping your kids grounded and avoiding much of the "priviledged attitude" while keeping them in a place where they will still be comfortable. I hope that PJ, Grace and Meg come out of this experience not only understanding more about the Chinese culture and the many other cultures they encounter, but also understanding how different the expat culture is and how important it is to find a balance in life.
Saturday, March 1, 2014
Perspective
I was on a hike with a friend the other day. Towards the end of the hike we ran into a friend of hers. Both have kids at Princeton, so they were talking about their recent trips back to the east coast. Both women have been here for many years and all of their children were born here. The other woman was talking about how happy she was to be home and how much more "orderly" things are here than back in the States. Now she was mainly referring to New York City as that is where most of her experience with the States is. Her recent visit happened to coincide with one of the recent snow storms that hit the east coast as well. As I was listening to the conversation I was immediately struck by how it is all about perspective.
Both of this woman's children have gone to college in States and the oldest is now working for Teach for America in the Bronx. She went on about how difficult it must be for all of the kids from here going to school and living there because everything here is so much more orderly. She talked about how her daughter's work load kept increasing, but thankfully now some other teachers were speaking up about the increase and hopefully something would be done about it. She also talked about getting around New York City and how difficult it was.
First I will talk about getting around New York City. I don't have as much experience with this as some of you who will read this, but I do have a fair amount of experience with it. I have even done it with four very young kids. While the public transportation my not be the cleanest I've been on, I actually find it pretty easy and for the most part pretty "orderly". I know it is more difficult with snow on the ground, but that doesn't usually last for long. Also that is not the norm. I'm sure at rush hour there can be some pushing and shoving, but typically I think people wait for those getting off a train or bus to get off before they try to get on. Not always the case here. The other day I was getting off of a minibus and had to step around someone getting on as they wouldn't wait till I came down the last step. This is a frequent occurrence on the MTR despite the constant announcements to allow the people on the arriving train to get off before boarding the train. Doesn't seem very orderly to me, but it's all perspective.
As far as the increased work load and the daughter not speaking up for herself, well that goes to something I have noticed about the Chinese culture. This woman was Chinese. Now I know her kids went to the same school mine attend, so they did not grow up in the local schools. Because of this, I would've thought they would be a little more used to advocating for themselves, something that is not taught in the Chinese culture. They are very much a society of rules and "play books" and they follow these very strictly. They are not taught to think "out of the box" at all. They do not know what to do if something doesn't follow the rules or the "play book" they've been given. We have seen this in our dealings with the local banks and Dave sees it at work all of the time. A perfect example is our purchase of Kaylin's plane ticket to come out and visit. Cigna will pay for Kaylin to visit us twice a year. They will only pay for economy class. The difference in price between the economy class and the premium economy class was very little, so Dave asked them to book the premium economy and told them we would pay for the difference in cost. He was told they could not do this. They would only pay for economy. He went round and round with the ladies in the travel department before finally having to go to the head of the department for approval. Our paying for a portion of the ticket wasn't in their "play book" so they didn't know what to do with that. I can see how a local would find things always going by the rules or "play book" to be a very orderly thing. Those of us from the States find this to be a pain in the butt most times. I'm told this is very common in all Asian cultures. If they are trying to get from point A to point B and have been told to go a certain way, that is the only way they will go even if there is a faster way and they know it is a faster way. In the perspective of a local, this is orderly. In my perspective, this is failing to use common sense.
Now this woman I was listening to is very well off. She probably has had a helper her whole life, or at least her adult life living here (I'm not sure if she is originally from here). Many people who have helpers and drivers never go shopping or drive anywhere on their own. Which brings me to another area where I do not find Hong Kong to be more "orderly" than the States. I have mentioned people cutting in front of me in line at the grocery store before. This is something that has never happened to me in the States. Now there have been times other than grocery stores where I have had someone cut in front of me in the States. Most times it's an honest mistake because they don't realize where the line began and as soon as you point it out they apologize and move back. Here they look you in the face as they are cutting in line and force their way, very much aware of where the line begins. The other thing that has happened to me three times in the past week is the person in front of me leaving their shopping cart blocking the cashier aisle when they are done emptying it and paying for their groceries. They just expect someone else to take care of it. One woman watched as I had to take care of her cart so that I could get mine in a position to unload my own groceries. It didn't faze her in the slightest.
Lastly I will talk about walking down the street, sidewalk or path. I know I have mentioned this before as well. Not everyone is great about staying to one side or the other in the U.S., but for the most part people do not take up the entire street, sidewalk or path and not allow room for someone walking in the other direction to get by. Having just been in London and Amsterdam, both big tourist cities, I can say that this is the case there as well. Not the case here. It is a giant game of chicken no matter where you are walking. Another aspect I find to be less "orderly" than in the U.S., but again, it's all about perspective.
Having spent nearly 43 of my 43 1/2 years in the U.S. that is obviously the culture with which I am the most familiar and comfortable. Perhaps after several years here all of the differences would become second nature to me and I wouldn't think anything of them. It was just funny to hear someone refer to this as more orderly than the States. When I mentioned the conversation to Dave and Grace they both found it funny as well.
Both of this woman's children have gone to college in States and the oldest is now working for Teach for America in the Bronx. She went on about how difficult it must be for all of the kids from here going to school and living there because everything here is so much more orderly. She talked about how her daughter's work load kept increasing, but thankfully now some other teachers were speaking up about the increase and hopefully something would be done about it. She also talked about getting around New York City and how difficult it was.
First I will talk about getting around New York City. I don't have as much experience with this as some of you who will read this, but I do have a fair amount of experience with it. I have even done it with four very young kids. While the public transportation my not be the cleanest I've been on, I actually find it pretty easy and for the most part pretty "orderly". I know it is more difficult with snow on the ground, but that doesn't usually last for long. Also that is not the norm. I'm sure at rush hour there can be some pushing and shoving, but typically I think people wait for those getting off a train or bus to get off before they try to get on. Not always the case here. The other day I was getting off of a minibus and had to step around someone getting on as they wouldn't wait till I came down the last step. This is a frequent occurrence on the MTR despite the constant announcements to allow the people on the arriving train to get off before boarding the train. Doesn't seem very orderly to me, but it's all perspective.
As far as the increased work load and the daughter not speaking up for herself, well that goes to something I have noticed about the Chinese culture. This woman was Chinese. Now I know her kids went to the same school mine attend, so they did not grow up in the local schools. Because of this, I would've thought they would be a little more used to advocating for themselves, something that is not taught in the Chinese culture. They are very much a society of rules and "play books" and they follow these very strictly. They are not taught to think "out of the box" at all. They do not know what to do if something doesn't follow the rules or the "play book" they've been given. We have seen this in our dealings with the local banks and Dave sees it at work all of the time. A perfect example is our purchase of Kaylin's plane ticket to come out and visit. Cigna will pay for Kaylin to visit us twice a year. They will only pay for economy class. The difference in price between the economy class and the premium economy class was very little, so Dave asked them to book the premium economy and told them we would pay for the difference in cost. He was told they could not do this. They would only pay for economy. He went round and round with the ladies in the travel department before finally having to go to the head of the department for approval. Our paying for a portion of the ticket wasn't in their "play book" so they didn't know what to do with that. I can see how a local would find things always going by the rules or "play book" to be a very orderly thing. Those of us from the States find this to be a pain in the butt most times. I'm told this is very common in all Asian cultures. If they are trying to get from point A to point B and have been told to go a certain way, that is the only way they will go even if there is a faster way and they know it is a faster way. In the perspective of a local, this is orderly. In my perspective, this is failing to use common sense.
Now this woman I was listening to is very well off. She probably has had a helper her whole life, or at least her adult life living here (I'm not sure if she is originally from here). Many people who have helpers and drivers never go shopping or drive anywhere on their own. Which brings me to another area where I do not find Hong Kong to be more "orderly" than the States. I have mentioned people cutting in front of me in line at the grocery store before. This is something that has never happened to me in the States. Now there have been times other than grocery stores where I have had someone cut in front of me in the States. Most times it's an honest mistake because they don't realize where the line began and as soon as you point it out they apologize and move back. Here they look you in the face as they are cutting in line and force their way, very much aware of where the line begins. The other thing that has happened to me three times in the past week is the person in front of me leaving their shopping cart blocking the cashier aisle when they are done emptying it and paying for their groceries. They just expect someone else to take care of it. One woman watched as I had to take care of her cart so that I could get mine in a position to unload my own groceries. It didn't faze her in the slightest.
Lastly I will talk about walking down the street, sidewalk or path. I know I have mentioned this before as well. Not everyone is great about staying to one side or the other in the U.S., but for the most part people do not take up the entire street, sidewalk or path and not allow room for someone walking in the other direction to get by. Having just been in London and Amsterdam, both big tourist cities, I can say that this is the case there as well. Not the case here. It is a giant game of chicken no matter where you are walking. Another aspect I find to be less "orderly" than in the U.S., but again, it's all about perspective.
Having spent nearly 43 of my 43 1/2 years in the U.S. that is obviously the culture with which I am the most familiar and comfortable. Perhaps after several years here all of the differences would become second nature to me and I wouldn't think anything of them. It was just funny to hear someone refer to this as more orderly than the States. When I mentioned the conversation to Dave and Grace they both found it funny as well.
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